Prelims just ended yesterday. I was happy for a while, before someone made my emotions really hit the rocks. I guess when you give so much of yourself to someone, the slightest thing he/she does can really fling your emotions to either end of the spectrum- whether they know it or not. Heck, what I get is just a 'you don't care about me'. Just makes me doubt myself even more.

Maybe it's just cos I have this irrational fear of a long-term commitment. It's just not me to stay at one thing for long given my ADD-comparable attention span. Just look at me trying to study. I can hardly sit straight for 30 mins without fiddling with something or starting a fridge-door opening marathon (when I'm at home, that is). It's just a darn freaking hard thing for me to stay undistracted for so long, to commit, to meet someone else's expectations (when I hardly even meet or set my own) and to give unconditionally simply because I've never done it before in my entire life!

Mr Teng said that if we could conquer Mt. Fansipan, we could do anythng. I was applauded for my perseverance with that twisted ankle. Yeah, I could do all that and it sure wasn't easy at all. But I could see it; where I had to and wanted to go. It was almost tangible. But feelings aren't at all. And how someone else can feel that abstactness is.. well, impossible. Unless you're freaking upset and you start raising your voice then it becomes so glaring it's impossible to ignore. But I don't want to spread all that angst and unhappiness. Because I have so much more to give but I don't know how to, and how to make you feel it without being awkward about it. I guess such things can only come with time and loadsa mutual work. Being young and brash won't make it happen but that's what I am right now. You can't just force maturity upon yourself.

I've never been this tied down before. This responsibility is meant to be a joy, shared between two instead of a burden. Well, not exactly, but it really does feel that way sometimes. Being alone offers the luxury of being free- you can behave as you deem fit and have to account to no one except yourself, and no one's feelings will be that closely tied to your actions and words. You can just step in any direction without having to hold back and think how that step will impact so-and-so. But then, there'll always be this something you secretly want, to fill that obscure little hole in the centre of your heart. And when you think someone has filled it, it isn't that perfect as you thought you would feel, besides those few, short-lived moments. Perhaps some may think the many far-from-perfect moments are little sacrifices to achieve those seconds of bliss and that it's all worth it. Perhaps. But for now, I prefer that constancy of living up only your own expectations and wishes instead of juggling them with someone else's, and lettting that bring you to extreme highs and lows. My heart can't take it you know.

If you've read till here, I'm sorry that my blog has increasingly become a ranting space. Anyway I doubt many people would read this.
And great, as if to underscore my mood now, my phone offed by itself and won't on again.
Seriously, did I do something really wrong lately?

Labels: ♥, ranternobanter

Been MIA cos I've been going out, what else. HAHA means now you got stuff to read! But I feel lazy now. Oh well.

31st December, New Year's eve.
Celebrated with the LaoCai trip people at Mind Cafe and although only like 9 people came in the end, it was awesome! Everything from the games to the tomyum chicken pasta to the present(s). (:

Sorry the brownie went to waste, it was diabetic. HAHA thought that counts. Diabetic thought. Sweet ttm. Then the toot shoebox thing. Asking if it made me happy is a redundant question. :D

Walked around a bit after that, then went somewhere after walking around, slacked, then went to Toa Payoh to watch Sherlock Holmes. Snuck in lotsa snacks and were probably irritating the people with our munching. Don't care, birthday girl does anything. TEEHEE.

Cabbed home, and started our trek to the floating platform again (and on our way we heard fireworks but saw naarthing. -.-), then left cos there were too many to-be-drunk bangladeshis getting a bit high.

Stoned at the playground below TF's house and I fell asleep as expected lol, then went upstairs to sleep, before waking up at 6 to go see the sunrise. But apparently the floating platform offers nothing much of a view. Oh well, the experience was awesome anyway. Went home to nap, before going out to meet Dewaine, Vanessa, Alina and Sarah! Finally after how many eons we meet again. LOL.

Ate at Eighteen Chefs at Eastpoint, gossiped truckloads man. We weren't finished with gossiping still so we went to the top floor to gossip more. HAHA horrible right.

Dinner with family at some chinese restaurant which made me a bit pissed cos I didn't really like it there and I definitely chose a different place earlier on.

WARNING: RANT.
Every single eat-out meal with my family sucks, cos they all love food which I hate. Don't know where the hell my taste buds came from, cos it was definitely not inherited. They always go to places I hate. Especially seafood places, then complain I'm picky and I eat too little and ask in absolute disbelief why anyone can hate seafood. Stupid question of the year. It's as dumb as asking why I'm asian. Certain foods, you like it or not. Simple. There's no why. If I suggest someplace I like instead, I get called selfish, cos it's 3 vs 1. And I'm not allowed to be selfish even on my birthday. A once-in-365and1/4days thing.

Okay, done. (:

2nd January
Sent the Sarawak trip people off..

4 more days. ): Must survive!

Labels: ♥, ranternobanter

I ♥ pinching
Chubbs!

Labels: ♥

Labels: ♥, schooly mooly

I feel so pissed.


And I think it's the first time I feel so affected by something that's seemingly so minor. Urghhhh, frustrating!

It's so tough to be a woman -or a girl-; we feel ashamed for being too little, yet too much.
Sometimes, I can't even comprehend myself.
Damn it, I feel like throwing a chair across the room. Like teacher, like student.

Labels: ♥

Just came home from the three-hour talk.

Struck me really hard.

I was expecting it to be rather boring, considering I already know most of what I had to, but I realised knowing is a totally different thing from doing the right things in life.

It's like knowing the exact recipe to how to bake a cake, but when you finish, you realise you messed it up big time.


It's scary to know some stuff, and scary when you can relate exactly to what the facilitators say. It was enlightening, really.

Okay, am not gonna say more lest I reveal too much.

Labels: ♥

Sometimes,
I really don't know what I want.
Even when I do,
my actions show the complete opposite.

Labels: ♥

Anyway, yesterday was school again, for LaoCai meeting.
Found out our groupings, but sorry YY and Jovan, I didn't manage to catch yours. I did manage to find out the people in Nic's though. COS HE'S IN MY GROUP, YAY. Someone I know, at least.

But the other people in my group are awesome too! 3 girls and 3 guys, including me. HAHA I got 2 girlfriends for the trip, yay. I don't know the other girl, though. She didn't come.


Aight, so, we played a couple of ice-breakers, and I spazzed a lot when it came to the Husband and Wife game. My reflexes too quick uh. Until I got mistaken for a touch rugger, LOL.

Then the bloddy concentration game. My brain has some kinda natural repulsion with numbers. So I lost like trice and had to do a forfeit. Had to ask a random guy in the school for his number, and make him write it on my hand.

Bloddy hell, I got my first rejection.
I had to go:
"Hi, I think you're cute, can I have your number?"
And he asked if I was serious. And he laughed. And his friends laughed. And THEN,
"Can I say no?"

I felt like swearing. Gawsshhh, first time ask people for number and get rejected! But anyway he scribbled a fake one in the end uh. And after asking, I realised he looked damn familiar. He was from soccer and I think he was the one who gave Nic and I the evilgrins in the bus that night.
Shit.
Soccer boy.
One soccer boy knows one thing, the whole team knows.
Oh my gawsshh, what thepoop did I get myself into?


Ahh but it was quite a funny experience. LOL.





Today was movie marathon at Jovan's house! Horror movies/ thrillers, to be exact. TEE HEE.
Pretty much a last-minute decision, so it was just YY, Jovan, VanT and I. Watched Cry Wolf, Halloween, and Dance of the Dead.

Cry Wolf got me a bit lost, but it was pretty cool. 3/5 stars. :D

Halloween was all gore, violence, a bit of sex (where YY and I hid under Jovan's tweety bird blanket cos we are innocent kiddos). Intriguing psychopath plot though. I remembered the ending man! Watched it when switching channels on cable tv. Probably was the censored version though.. idk.. hard to tell from the last 5 mins. 4/5 stars.
For the thrill.

Dance of the Dead was just shitass lame but with a couple of redeeming scenes. Horror comedy, what can I expect? Oh well, 2.5/ 5 stars.

Watched the first 5 mins of Dawn of the Dead too, but they wanted to change movie, so didn't continue.



Attempted to study but hell, I have absolutely no discipline. Ugh. Unproductive!!
I seriously think, how the eff am I gonna go through JC like this..

The guys went to play a bit of bball, ate macs, then they cabbed to AMK, then YY and I to hougang and I took the bus home.


I hate long bus rides alone.
There'll always be a point where I'll start feeling that funny thing with my heart again and start tearing and looking like I just broke up or something.

No idea what's wrong with me these days.
I don't even have a crush. Goodness. Screw those chemicals in my body.

Labels: ♥, schooly mooly

.









My heart feels funny..

.

Labels: ♥

Labels: ♥

When I cry, the heavens cry with me.

The rain this morning was real heavy..


I made it then I broke it.
I'm sorry.




Imma use my two lj accounts. This blog is too un-private.

Labels: ♥, ranternobanter

Prelims just ended yesterday. I was happy for a while, before someone made my emotions really hit the rocks. I guess when you give so much of yourself to someone, the slightest thing he/she does can really fling your emotions to either end of the spectrum- whether they know it or not. Heck, what I get is just a 'you don't care about me'. Just makes me doubt myself even more.

Maybe it's just cos I have this irrational fear of a long-term commitment. It's just not me to stay at one thing for long given my ADD-comparable attention span. Just look at me trying to study. I can hardly sit straight for 30 mins without fiddling with something or starting a fridge-door opening marathon (when I'm at home, that is). It's just a darn freaking hard thing for me to stay undistracted for so long, to commit, to meet someone else's expectations (when I hardly even meet or set my own) and to give unconditionally simply because I've never done it before in my entire life!

Mr Teng said that if we could conquer Mt. Fansipan, we could do anythng. I was applauded for my perseverance with that twisted ankle. Yeah, I could do all that and it sure wasn't easy at all. But I could see it; where I had to and wanted to go. It was almost tangible. But feelings aren't at all. And how someone else can feel that abstactness is.. well, impossible. Unless you're freaking upset and you start raising your voice then it becomes so glaring it's impossible to ignore. But I don't want to spread all that angst and unhappiness. Because I have so much more to give but I don't know how to, and how to make you feel it without being awkward about it. I guess such things can only come with time and loadsa mutual work. Being young and brash won't make it happen but that's what I am right now. You can't just force maturity upon yourself.

I've never been this tied down before. This responsibility is meant to be a joy, shared between two instead of a burden. Well, not exactly, but it really does feel that way sometimes. Being alone offers the luxury of being free- you can behave as you deem fit and have to account to no one except yourself, and no one's feelings will be that closely tied to your actions and words. You can just step in any direction without having to hold back and think how that step will impact so-and-so. But then, there'll always be this something you secretly want, to fill that obscure little hole in the centre of your heart. And when you think someone has filled it, it isn't that perfect as you thought you would feel, besides those few, short-lived moments. Perhaps some may think the many far-from-perfect moments are little sacrifices to achieve those seconds of bliss and that it's all worth it. Perhaps. But for now, I prefer that constancy of living up only your own expectations and wishes instead of juggling them with someone else's, and lettting that bring you to extreme highs and lows. My heart can't take it you know.

If you've read till here, I'm sorry that my blog has increasingly become a ranting space. Anyway I doubt many people would read this.
And great, as if to underscore my mood now, my phone offed by itself and won't on again.
Seriously, did I do something really wrong lately?

Labels: ♥, ranternobanter

Been MIA cos I've been going out, what else. HAHA means now you got stuff to read! But I feel lazy now. Oh well.

31st December, New Year's eve.
Celebrated with the LaoCai trip people at Mind Cafe and although only like 9 people came in the end, it was awesome! Everything from the games to the tomyum chicken pasta to the present(s). (:

Sorry the brownie went to waste, it was diabetic. HAHA thought that counts. Diabetic thought. Sweet ttm. Then the toot shoebox thing. Asking if it made me happy is a redundant question. :D

Walked around a bit after that, then went somewhere after walking around, slacked, then went to Toa Payoh to watch Sherlock Holmes. Snuck in lotsa snacks and were probably irritating the people with our munching. Don't care, birthday girl does anything. TEEHEE.

Cabbed home, and started our trek to the floating platform again (and on our way we heard fireworks but saw naarthing. -.-), then left cos there were too many to-be-drunk bangladeshis getting a bit high.

Stoned at the playground below TF's house and I fell asleep as expected lol, then went upstairs to sleep, before waking up at 6 to go see the sunrise. But apparently the floating platform offers nothing much of a view. Oh well, the experience was awesome anyway. Went home to nap, before going out to meet Dewaine, Vanessa, Alina and Sarah! Finally after how many eons we meet again. LOL.

Ate at Eighteen Chefs at Eastpoint, gossiped truckloads man. We weren't finished with gossiping still so we went to the top floor to gossip more. HAHA horrible right.

Dinner with family at some chinese restaurant which made me a bit pissed cos I didn't really like it there and I definitely chose a different place earlier on.

WARNING: RANT.
Every single eat-out meal with my family sucks, cos they all love food which I hate. Don't know where the hell my taste buds came from, cos it was definitely not inherited. They always go to places I hate. Especially seafood places, then complain I'm picky and I eat too little and ask in absolute disbelief why anyone can hate seafood. Stupid question of the year. It's as dumb as asking why I'm asian. Certain foods, you like it or not. Simple. There's no why. If I suggest someplace I like instead, I get called selfish, cos it's 3 vs 1. And I'm not allowed to be selfish even on my birthday. A once-in-365and1/4days thing.

Okay, done. (:

2nd January
Sent the Sarawak trip people off..

4 more days. ): Must survive!

Labels: ♥, ranternobanter

I ♥ pinching
Chubbs!

Labels: ♥

Labels: ♥, schooly mooly

I feel so pissed.


And I think it's the first time I feel so affected by something that's seemingly so minor. Urghhhh, frustrating!

It's so tough to be a woman -or a girl-; we feel ashamed for being too little, yet too much.
Sometimes, I can't even comprehend myself.
Damn it, I feel like throwing a chair across the room. Like teacher, like student.

Labels: ♥

Just came home from the three-hour talk.

Struck me really hard.

I was expecting it to be rather boring, considering I already know most of what I had to, but I realised knowing is a totally different thing from doing the right things in life.

It's like knowing the exact recipe to how to bake a cake, but when you finish, you realise you messed it up big time.


It's scary to know some stuff, and scary when you can relate exactly to what the facilitators say. It was enlightening, really.

Okay, am not gonna say more lest I reveal too much.

Labels: ♥

Sometimes,
I really don't know what I want.
Even when I do,
my actions show the complete opposite.

Labels: ♥

Anyway, yesterday was school again, for LaoCai meeting.
Found out our groupings, but sorry YY and Jovan, I didn't manage to catch yours. I did manage to find out the people in Nic's though. COS HE'S IN MY GROUP, YAY. Someone I know, at least.

But the other people in my group are awesome too! 3 girls and 3 guys, including me. HAHA I got 2 girlfriends for the trip, yay. I don't know the other girl, though. She didn't come.


Aight, so, we played a couple of ice-breakers, and I spazzed a lot when it came to the Husband and Wife game. My reflexes too quick uh. Until I got mistaken for a touch rugger, LOL.

Then the bloddy concentration game. My brain has some kinda natural repulsion with numbers. So I lost like trice and had to do a forfeit. Had to ask a random guy in the school for his number, and make him write it on my hand.

Bloddy hell, I got my first rejection.
I had to go:
"Hi, I think you're cute, can I have your number?"
And he asked if I was serious. And he laughed. And his friends laughed. And THEN,
"Can I say no?"

I felt like swearing. Gawsshhh, first time ask people for number and get rejected! But anyway he scribbled a fake one in the end uh. And after asking, I realised he looked damn familiar. He was from soccer and I think he was the one who gave Nic and I the evilgrins in the bus that night.
Shit.
Soccer boy.
One soccer boy knows one thing, the whole team knows.
Oh my gawsshh, what thepoop did I get myself into?


Ahh but it was quite a funny experience. LOL.





Today was movie marathon at Jovan's house! Horror movies/ thrillers, to be exact. TEE HEE.
Pretty much a last-minute decision, so it was just YY, Jovan, VanT and I. Watched Cry Wolf, Halloween, and Dance of the Dead.

Cry Wolf got me a bit lost, but it was pretty cool. 3/5 stars. :D

Halloween was all gore, violence, a bit of sex (where YY and I hid under Jovan's tweety bird blanket cos we are innocent kiddos). Intriguing psychopath plot though. I remembered the ending man! Watched it when switching channels on cable tv. Probably was the censored version though.. idk.. hard to tell from the last 5 mins. 4/5 stars.
For the thrill.

Dance of the Dead was just shitass lame but with a couple of redeeming scenes. Horror comedy, what can I expect? Oh well, 2.5/ 5 stars.

Watched the first 5 mins of Dawn of the Dead too, but they wanted to change movie, so didn't continue.



Attempted to study but hell, I have absolutely no discipline. Ugh. Unproductive!!
I seriously think, how the eff am I gonna go through JC like this..

The guys went to play a bit of bball, ate macs, then they cabbed to AMK, then YY and I to hougang and I took the bus home.


I hate long bus rides alone.
There'll always be a point where I'll start feeling that funny thing with my heart again and start tearing and looking like I just broke up or something.

No idea what's wrong with me these days.
I don't even have a crush. Goodness. Screw those chemicals in my body.

Labels: ♥, schooly mooly

.









My heart feels funny..

.

Labels: ♥

Labels: ♥

When I cry, the heavens cry with me.

The rain this morning was real heavy..


I made it then I broke it.
I'm sorry.




Imma use my two lj accounts. This blog is too un-private.

Labels: ♥, ranternobanter