Labels: schooly mooly, SR ODAC

I'm not that emo anymore. (:

And no, not mood swings. I'm really better right now.

Friends are the official best antidote to depression! Running like a mad dog (in chris' words) is second.
:D


So, cos weekends are always times when I spend time with me, myself and only myself, I should just hibernate. Long busrides by myself are the worst man. Please don't make me take the bus home myself.


I feel waaaaay better cos I know I can count on my buddies for support, and cos I ran a lot today. I excused myself from doing homework too. So many people thought I fractured my hand. -.-

Eh, by end of year, I really become macho already.
5 times training a week. Really mad dog uh.


RIGHT, BACK TO HIATUS.
I always create a hiatus within my hiatus, which means making my initial hiatus obsolete. HA, vhad tokin' me.

Please don't ask me about why and what happened to cause the previous post. Getting your attention and making you question me wasn't my intention for posting it in the first place.

But thanks guys, I really appreciate your concern. (:
I might tell you guys about it when I feel like it. I really will if I do feel like it so please don't ask anymore.

Just to clarify, 'school' in any post refers to CCA, my GCE (global classroom exprience if you were wondering), remedials, and schoolwork, of course. And I'm pretty much a moody bitch cos I'm sleep-deprived. On an average night, I get 4 hours of sleep.

And well, school also encompasses a large part of my social life. Almost all of it, actually. Cos I haven't got any chance to go beyond that. Too busy. I'm neglecting my friends, I'm neglecting a whole lot of other things and I can never get my priorities right.
And there are times I feel so helplessly ostentatious. I don't want to. I came to JC with the pure intention of making good friends, and to get my Alevel cert. I guess I got way more than I bargained for.
Trouble comes non-stop, the kind I didn't get in SAC, and truth is, I can't do aything about it. I wanna be a guy, and I wanna be gay.
From here, I do not wish to elaborate.


I just know that I'm starting to lose myself. It's a scary feeling. Like falling into an abyss and not knowing where I would land. I know almost everyone goes through this stage in their life.
But if this is what growing up is about, I wanna stay as a kid.


If you see me with a bandage on my hand tmr, it's not a fracture. Don't fret. Just a rather big abrasion from flying off my bike downhill on a rocky slope.

Just came back from ODAC Ubin cycling. Casualty, yes. Monday you guys shall see.

But I’m not gonna blog about that. Yet. Cos I have to rant; vent out my feelings somewhere. Read or not, your choice entirely.

Just when I thought things were starting to sort themselves out and I stopped being emo, everything has to come back like a wave that retreated and came back to hit my shore harder than ever.

So, sorry; emo week ain’t over.

I feel so complex. No no, wait, I mean, I feel too simple to handle the complexity of what’s going on around me, what’s happening to me. So many things, I don’t know how to start. I barely know where this post is gonna go, where it’s gonna take me.

I’m confused. I’m struggling to keep my cool amidst the pressures of school, and I can’t. I try too hard to balance out my social and academic life. But because school is stealing every hour of daylight from me, I subconsciously and semi-deludingly fight to get the equal amount of time with friends. Obviously I haven’t been able to do so, and obviously I can’t. Not even half of it. It’s a need. I’m human; I have my needs.

And I’m breaking down. Not meeting my needs is robbing me of my sanity.

People who have been with me for quite some time would probably think I’m much stronger emotionally and physically than what my physical size denotes. I was. I really was, but not now. My insides are shattering to pieces, beyond recognition. None of my friends, not even the closest ones, have seen me break down in tears. And I mean genuine tears from genuine emotions.

I’m putting on a strong front. My smiles now are part of a facade. Some of them, not all.

It’s true I’m unafraid of many things. I don’t cry over physical pain. ODAC would’ve known from today. I cry over the most inexplicable, maybe irrational things, and only when I’m alone.

I wonder why I put on a front. My ego is pretty much like a guy’s somehow. I don’t wanna look weak, I don’t wanna be dependent on guys, I don’t wanna always be the one taken care of. But I can’t hold on much longer. I’ve bottled all my insecurities and emotional confusion far too long and I’m on the verge of exploding. And once I do, I’ve nothing left to sustain me. Nothing left to sustain that front. I’m pushing myself physically because emotionally I’m failing.

I’ve kept these tears to myself all these years of my life.
Right now I need a shoulder to cry on. To just cry my heart out without having to explain why.

Irony.
The day I was praised for being brave is the day I show how pathetic I really am.

Labels: ranternobanter

.
Hiatus.

Gotta sort some stuff out.
I suppose emo-week hasn't ended like I intended it to. But I do feel better. Now, I need courage to face something I've been evading for a couple of months now.

MJ is still dominating the channels.
(:
I don't mind that, actually, after watching them. I realised I listened to a lot of his songs when I was a kid but I never knew they were sung by him. How atrocious was I, HAHA. And his MVs are hilarious, some of them. He totally does egyptian and indian dance, sweeeeeet.



Anyway, sorry guys, if I've been a bit too obvious in my emo-ness.
Stress uh.
Studies and (some of)you-know-what.


Linda's birthday was yesterday, so the whole class (except a few) celebrated it at Pizza Hut. Pris and Rebekah went to buy the cake while we were waiting to be served, then popped up with it! We sang the birthday song as a class, and guess what man,
Pizza Hut's staff decided to play the birthday song for us. HAHAHA classic moment.

But we're so sweet aren't we? (:
My birthday every year is depressing. Like I said, the glamorous date is a mere facade, The day itself is a sad one. Until the next, hopefully.
But I'm sick of empty promises; people say they'll celebrate it for me but it's never done. Then again, until the next. Hopeful kiddo here. (:

I have a brief emo moment everytime we go celebrate someone's birthday. Jealous, I admit.



Okay, enough of that. I sound pathetic.


Speaking of pathetic, I digress again.
That day, Desiree and I decided to take the train. NE line was fine, it was till we switched to the EW line.
Traumatic.

At first it was crowded, but breathable. Then, at I-forgot-what-station, people started flowing in like a tsunami and desiree and I were pushed away from each other like the fish in the tsunami.
Sardines, if you wanna know what fish.

Ohmygawshh. The train was soooo full, that it delayed at two or three stations for more than half an hour.
Bloddy hell cos I'm claustrophobic. And I was literally gasping for air behind this man with slight BO. And mind you, it ain't that easy cos I'm vertically challenged as well.

Damn SMRT.
Damn the peak hours.
Damn the gahmen for trying to bring in MORE people to SG.


Back to yesterday, the day was really short. Ended at 12nn there was no more chinese and fridays are the shortest days of the week. (:

History lessons are starting to get disturbing. Cos of what MW says. This time was about me and Chris' hotdog pen. omg, freaky. But freakiest was still him describing me that day. Eww? I was stunned man. Like, seriously, stunned. Class would know why.


After school and after Linda's bday lunch, we went back to school to finish up geog before the 5pm deadline, then Des, ZL, Reuben, Niq and I went to Tampines1.
Ate at F.I.S.H. after much indecisiveness. Ambience was awesome but the food not so.. Overwhelming flavour fatigue. Maybe it was my throat infection that killed all my appetite but well, I suppose I'm not really looking forward to eating their fried mediterranean fish again.

Hanged around a bit, then Niq wanted to go to Toys R'Us and that's where the best part of the day took place.
HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA OHMYGAWSH, I HAFTA LAUGH WHENEVER I THINK ABOUT IT.
I shall wait for Des to send me the pic so I can better explain.
Funnyyyy ttm! All of us laughed so darn hard. Ahh, ZL is a joke man.



Okay, this post is wordy and so-not-entertaining.
I wanna blame it on the thing that's bugging my mind right now.
Sigh.
Back to emo-ness.
Bye.

Labels: ranternobanter, schooly mooly

Today was my Alevels Chinese oral exam.

Believe it or not I just found out yesterday when Des msged me about it. Like, wtp, I know. Oh well. Screwed it like nobody's business, and the most commonly used word (or sound rather) was 'uh.."

No kidding.

I wonder why I am suddenly linguistically-challenged in my mother tongue.
BUT I WON'T HAVE TO SPEAK IT ANYMORE NOW, YAYYYYYY. :D


Saw Samantha, haha, she migrated to Aus and she's back to visit. (:


ODAC briefing. I'm going kayaking! Wheeee!



Okay,
my appalling rank points have not jolted me back to reality, and the past days have not been productive.

Movie marathon was awesomeeeeee, died at 4am plus halfway through The Ring 2 though. ):
Will have Incredible Tales one with DF next hols, maybe.


Saturday night/ Sunday was hibernation. 13hour beauty sleep. (:

Monday was supposed ODAC lunch at Azhar's dad's restaurant but no one replied. I've been living in denial thinking that all ODACians are as 'on', I guess..
So it was just study session. With DF again. EE. HAHA.



No idea what homework I have. But I know it's.. well, idk, but 'a lot' would be an understatement.


OOOOOH, AND MY MSN'S WORKING AGAIN! MIRACLE!
&

Happy Birthday DF!

I treat you to taohuay.

End of my 3 day MC.

So, my first proper day at school was pretty okay, survived.

And eh, MY RANKING POINTS DOUBLE DIGIT EH!
Did I study?

Oh yeah I did (attempt to), on the day itself. :D


I thought I would U everything, which I did, but YAY for my GP! And Chinese. Language is all I'm capable of (passing), I suppose.

I got top in class for econs though. From the bottom. (Either that or second " ).
No surprise there.



My throat infection is still lingering, though I just finished my meds.


MOVIE MARATHON LATER! :D
You must be thinking; fail everything still go watch movies.
If I were to stay at home, it wouldn't do me any good anyway. I forgot how to study, so I can't.
So whatcha gonna do bout that, huh?

Labels: schooly mooly, SR ODAC

I'm not that emo anymore. (:

And no, not mood swings. I'm really better right now.

Friends are the official best antidote to depression! Running like a mad dog (in chris' words) is second.
:D


So, cos weekends are always times when I spend time with me, myself and only myself, I should just hibernate. Long busrides by myself are the worst man. Please don't make me take the bus home myself.


I feel waaaaay better cos I know I can count on my buddies for support, and cos I ran a lot today. I excused myself from doing homework too. So many people thought I fractured my hand. -.-

Eh, by end of year, I really become macho already.
5 times training a week. Really mad dog uh.


RIGHT, BACK TO HIATUS.
I always create a hiatus within my hiatus, which means making my initial hiatus obsolete. HA, vhad tokin' me.

Please don't ask me about why and what happened to cause the previous post. Getting your attention and making you question me wasn't my intention for posting it in the first place.

But thanks guys, I really appreciate your concern. (:
I might tell you guys about it when I feel like it. I really will if I do feel like it so please don't ask anymore.

Just to clarify, 'school' in any post refers to CCA, my GCE (global classroom exprience if you were wondering), remedials, and schoolwork, of course. And I'm pretty much a moody bitch cos I'm sleep-deprived. On an average night, I get 4 hours of sleep.

And well, school also encompasses a large part of my social life. Almost all of it, actually. Cos I haven't got any chance to go beyond that. Too busy. I'm neglecting my friends, I'm neglecting a whole lot of other things and I can never get my priorities right.
And there are times I feel so helplessly ostentatious. I don't want to. I came to JC with the pure intention of making good friends, and to get my Alevel cert. I guess I got way more than I bargained for.
Trouble comes non-stop, the kind I didn't get in SAC, and truth is, I can't do aything about it. I wanna be a guy, and I wanna be gay.
From here, I do not wish to elaborate.


I just know that I'm starting to lose myself. It's a scary feeling. Like falling into an abyss and not knowing where I would land. I know almost everyone goes through this stage in their life.
But if this is what growing up is about, I wanna stay as a kid.


If you see me with a bandage on my hand tmr, it's not a fracture. Don't fret. Just a rather big abrasion from flying off my bike downhill on a rocky slope.

Just came back from ODAC Ubin cycling. Casualty, yes. Monday you guys shall see.

But I’m not gonna blog about that. Yet. Cos I have to rant; vent out my feelings somewhere. Read or not, your choice entirely.

Just when I thought things were starting to sort themselves out and I stopped being emo, everything has to come back like a wave that retreated and came back to hit my shore harder than ever.

So, sorry; emo week ain’t over.

I feel so complex. No no, wait, I mean, I feel too simple to handle the complexity of what’s going on around me, what’s happening to me. So many things, I don’t know how to start. I barely know where this post is gonna go, where it’s gonna take me.

I’m confused. I’m struggling to keep my cool amidst the pressures of school, and I can’t. I try too hard to balance out my social and academic life. But because school is stealing every hour of daylight from me, I subconsciously and semi-deludingly fight to get the equal amount of time with friends. Obviously I haven’t been able to do so, and obviously I can’t. Not even half of it. It’s a need. I’m human; I have my needs.

And I’m breaking down. Not meeting my needs is robbing me of my sanity.

People who have been with me for quite some time would probably think I’m much stronger emotionally and physically than what my physical size denotes. I was. I really was, but not now. My insides are shattering to pieces, beyond recognition. None of my friends, not even the closest ones, have seen me break down in tears. And I mean genuine tears from genuine emotions.

I’m putting on a strong front. My smiles now are part of a facade. Some of them, not all.

It’s true I’m unafraid of many things. I don’t cry over physical pain. ODAC would’ve known from today. I cry over the most inexplicable, maybe irrational things, and only when I’m alone.

I wonder why I put on a front. My ego is pretty much like a guy’s somehow. I don’t wanna look weak, I don’t wanna be dependent on guys, I don’t wanna always be the one taken care of. But I can’t hold on much longer. I’ve bottled all my insecurities and emotional confusion far too long and I’m on the verge of exploding. And once I do, I’ve nothing left to sustain me. Nothing left to sustain that front. I’m pushing myself physically because emotionally I’m failing.

I’ve kept these tears to myself all these years of my life.
Right now I need a shoulder to cry on. To just cry my heart out without having to explain why.

Irony.
The day I was praised for being brave is the day I show how pathetic I really am.

Labels: ranternobanter

.
Hiatus.

Gotta sort some stuff out.
I suppose emo-week hasn't ended like I intended it to. But I do feel better. Now, I need courage to face something I've been evading for a couple of months now.

MJ is still dominating the channels.
(:
I don't mind that, actually, after watching them. I realised I listened to a lot of his songs when I was a kid but I never knew they were sung by him. How atrocious was I, HAHA. And his MVs are hilarious, some of them. He totally does egyptian and indian dance, sweeeeeet.



Anyway, sorry guys, if I've been a bit too obvious in my emo-ness.
Stress uh.
Studies and (some of)you-know-what.


Linda's birthday was yesterday, so the whole class (except a few) celebrated it at Pizza Hut. Pris and Rebekah went to buy the cake while we were waiting to be served, then popped up with it! We sang the birthday song as a class, and guess what man,
Pizza Hut's staff decided to play the birthday song for us. HAHAHA classic moment.

But we're so sweet aren't we? (:
My birthday every year is depressing. Like I said, the glamorous date is a mere facade, The day itself is a sad one. Until the next, hopefully.
But I'm sick of empty promises; people say they'll celebrate it for me but it's never done. Then again, until the next. Hopeful kiddo here. (:

I have a brief emo moment everytime we go celebrate someone's birthday. Jealous, I admit.



Okay, enough of that. I sound pathetic.


Speaking of pathetic, I digress again.
That day, Desiree and I decided to take the train. NE line was fine, it was till we switched to the EW line.
Traumatic.

At first it was crowded, but breathable. Then, at I-forgot-what-station, people started flowing in like a tsunami and desiree and I were pushed away from each other like the fish in the tsunami.
Sardines, if you wanna know what fish.

Ohmygawshh. The train was soooo full, that it delayed at two or three stations for more than half an hour.
Bloddy hell cos I'm claustrophobic. And I was literally gasping for air behind this man with slight BO. And mind you, it ain't that easy cos I'm vertically challenged as well.

Damn SMRT.
Damn the peak hours.
Damn the gahmen for trying to bring in MORE people to SG.


Back to yesterday, the day was really short. Ended at 12nn there was no more chinese and fridays are the shortest days of the week. (:

History lessons are starting to get disturbing. Cos of what MW says. This time was about me and Chris' hotdog pen. omg, freaky. But freakiest was still him describing me that day. Eww? I was stunned man. Like, seriously, stunned. Class would know why.


After school and after Linda's bday lunch, we went back to school to finish up geog before the 5pm deadline, then Des, ZL, Reuben, Niq and I went to Tampines1.
Ate at F.I.S.H. after much indecisiveness. Ambience was awesome but the food not so.. Overwhelming flavour fatigue. Maybe it was my throat infection that killed all my appetite but well, I suppose I'm not really looking forward to eating their fried mediterranean fish again.

Hanged around a bit, then Niq wanted to go to Toys R'Us and that's where the best part of the day took place.
HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA OHMYGAWSH, I HAFTA LAUGH WHENEVER I THINK ABOUT IT.
I shall wait for Des to send me the pic so I can better explain.
Funnyyyy ttm! All of us laughed so darn hard. Ahh, ZL is a joke man.



Okay, this post is wordy and so-not-entertaining.
I wanna blame it on the thing that's bugging my mind right now.
Sigh.
Back to emo-ness.
Bye.

Labels: ranternobanter, schooly mooly

Today was my Alevels Chinese oral exam.

Believe it or not I just found out yesterday when Des msged me about it. Like, wtp, I know. Oh well. Screwed it like nobody's business, and the most commonly used word (or sound rather) was 'uh.."

No kidding.

I wonder why I am suddenly linguistically-challenged in my mother tongue.
BUT I WON'T HAVE TO SPEAK IT ANYMORE NOW, YAYYYYYY. :D


Saw Samantha, haha, she migrated to Aus and she's back to visit. (:


ODAC briefing. I'm going kayaking! Wheeee!



Okay,
my appalling rank points have not jolted me back to reality, and the past days have not been productive.

Movie marathon was awesomeeeeee, died at 4am plus halfway through The Ring 2 though. ):
Will have Incredible Tales one with DF next hols, maybe.


Saturday night/ Sunday was hibernation. 13hour beauty sleep. (:

Monday was supposed ODAC lunch at Azhar's dad's restaurant but no one replied. I've been living in denial thinking that all ODACians are as 'on', I guess..
So it was just study session. With DF again. EE. HAHA.



No idea what homework I have. But I know it's.. well, idk, but 'a lot' would be an understatement.


OOOOOH, AND MY MSN'S WORKING AGAIN! MIRACLE!
&

Happy Birthday DF!

I treat you to taohuay.

End of my 3 day MC.

So, my first proper day at school was pretty okay, survived.

And eh, MY RANKING POINTS DOUBLE DIGIT EH!
Did I study?

Oh yeah I did (attempt to), on the day itself. :D


I thought I would U everything, which I did, but YAY for my GP! And Chinese. Language is all I'm capable of (passing), I suppose.

I got top in class for econs though. From the bottom. (Either that or second " ).
No surprise there.



My throat infection is still lingering, though I just finished my meds.


MOVIE MARATHON LATER! :D
You must be thinking; fail everything still go watch movies.
If I were to stay at home, it wouldn't do me any good anyway. I forgot how to study, so I can't.
So whatcha gonna do bout that, huh?