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Can't forget to breathe slow
Wednesday, August 25, 2010 @ 11:25 AM

Prelims just ended yesterday. I was happy for a while, before someone made my emotions really hit the rocks. I guess when you give so much of yourself to someone, the slightest thing he/she does can really fling your emotions to either end of the spectrum- whether they know it or not. Heck, what I get is just a 'you don't care about me'. Just makes me doubt myself even more.

Maybe it's just cos I have this irrational fear of a long-term commitment. It's just not me to stay at one thing for long given my ADD-comparable attention span. Just look at me trying to study. I can hardly sit straight for 30 mins without fiddling with something or starting a fridge-door opening marathon (when I'm at home, that is). It's just a darn freaking hard thing for me to stay undistracted for so long, to commit, to meet someone else's expectations (when I hardly even meet or set my own) and to give unconditionally simply because I've never done it before in my entire life!

Mr Teng said that if we could conquer Mt. Fansipan, we could do anythng. I was applauded for my perseverance with that twisted ankle. Yeah, I could do all that and it sure wasn't easy at all. But I could see it; where I had to and wanted to go. It was almost tangible. But feelings aren't at all. And how someone else can feel that abstactness is.. well, impossible. Unless you're freaking upset and you start raising your voice then it becomes so glaring it's impossible to ignore. But I don't want to spread all that angst and unhappiness. Because I have so much more to give but I don't know how to, and how to make you feel it without being awkward about it. I guess such things can only come with time and loadsa mutual work. Being young and brash won't make it happen but that's what I am right now. You can't just force maturity upon yourself.

I've never been this tied down before. This responsibility is meant to be a joy, shared between two instead of a burden. Well, not exactly, but it really does feel that way sometimes. Being alone offers the luxury of being free- you can behave as you deem fit and have to account to no one except yourself, and no one's feelings will be that closely tied to your actions and words. You can just step in any direction without having to hold back and think how that step will impact so-and-so. But then, there'll always be this something you secretly want, to fill that obscure little hole in the centre of your heart. And when you think someone has filled it, it isn't that perfect as you thought you would feel, besides those few, short-lived moments. Perhaps some may think the many far-from-perfect moments are little sacrifices to achieve those seconds of bliss and that it's all worth it. Perhaps. But for now, I prefer that constancy of living up only your own expectations and wishes instead of juggling them with someone else's, and lettting that bring you to extreme highs and lows. My heart can't take it you know.

If you've read till here, I'm sorry that my blog has increasingly become a ranting space. Anyway I doubt many people would read this.
And great, as if to underscore my mood now, my phone offed by itself and won't on again.
Seriously, did I do something really wrong lately?

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