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Just came back from ODAC Ubin cycling. Casualty, yes. Monday you guys shall see.
But I’m not gonna blog about that. Yet. Cos I have to rant; vent out my feelings somewhere. Read or not, your choice entirely.
Just when I thought things were starting to sort themselves out and I stopped being emo, everything has to come back like a wave that retreated and came back to hit my shore harder than ever.
So, sorry; emo week ain’t over.
I feel so complex. No no, wait, I mean, I feel too simple to handle the complexity of what’s going on around me, what’s happening to me. So many things, I don’t know how to start. I barely know where this post is gonna go, where it’s gonna take me.
I’m confused. I’m struggling to keep my cool amidst the pressures of school, and I can’t. I try too hard to balance out my social and academic life. But because school is stealing every hour of daylight from me, I subconsciously and semi-deludingly fight to get the equal amount of time with friends. Obviously I haven’t been able to do so, and obviously I can’t. Not even half of it. It’s a need. I’m human; I have my needs.
And I’m breaking down. Not meeting my needs is robbing me of my sanity.
People who have been with me for quite some time would probably think I’m much stronger emotionally and physically than what my physical size denotes. I was. I really was, but not now. My insides are shattering to pieces, beyond recognition. None of my friends, not even the closest ones, have seen me break down in tears. And I mean genuine tears from genuine emotions.
I’m putting on a strong front. My smiles now are part of a facade. Some of them, not all.
It’s true I’m unafraid of many things. I don’t cry over physical pain. ODAC would’ve known from today. I cry over the most inexplicable, maybe irrational things, and only when I’m alone.
I wonder why I put on a front. My ego is pretty much like a guy’s somehow. I don’t wanna look weak, I don’t wanna be dependent on guys, I don’t wanna always be the one taken care of. But I can’t hold on much longer. I’ve bottled all my insecurities and emotional confusion far too long and I’m on the verge of exploding. And once I do, I’ve nothing left to sustain me. Nothing left to sustain that front. I’m pushing myself physically because emotionally I’m failing.
I’ve kept these tears to myself all these years of my life.
Right now I need a shoulder to cry on. To just cry my heart out without having to explain why.
Irony.
The day I was praised for being brave is the day I show how pathetic I really am.
Labels: ranternobanter
